Perfect
by ramblelite
Summary: Dr. Spencer Reid was perfect. Except for the times he wasn't. (Series of one-shots following this theme. Typically angst and hurt/comfort, spanning a variety of seasons, situations, and storylines.)
1. Just Spencer

**A/N: Hi guys. This is going to be a selection of one-shots. Several of them may be expanded into two-shots if I feel it's getting lengthy, or if I want to create suspense (Mwahhhaha). Anyway, I hope you all enjoy.**

**Just Spencer**

Reid couldn't remember. He tried to, he really tried. But when forced to sweep away all else, focus, and retrieve the memory from his finely-tuned brain, he just couldn't.

He couldn't remember when things had gotten so bad.

Perhaps that was simply because there wasn't a singular, precise moment for him to recall. It hadn't happened all at once. It wasn't as though one day he was Agent Reid: genius geographical profiler for the FBI and boom, the next day he was just Spencer: drug addict.

Just Spencer.

He knew that much, he knew he was "just Spencer", and his heart, though weakened and ravaged from the damage he had done to himself, wasn't willing to accept "just Spencer."

"Just Spencer" wasn't good enough. Just like he hadn't been good enough when his father decided to leave all those years ago. Just like he hadn't been good enough when he was relentlessly tormented and tortured in school. Just like he hadn't been good enough to pass his Firearm Qualification exam. "Just Spencer" just didn't cut it.

"Just Spencer" was pathetic, a weakling drug abuser who knew nothing, nothing but escape, nothing but his desperate attempts to wash away the pain and regret and the knowing and just... numb.

He just wanted numb.

He wasn't sure what changed, what had happened, what made him need to become "Just Spencer" again.

Then, the dawning realization. "Just Spencer" had always been there. Agent Reid was a facade, and "Just Spencer" was lying dormant, waiting to crawl out and claim his body once again.

And now, "Just Spencer" had returned. He had been clean for a while, a long time... if you asked Agent Reid, he would have said 458 days, but to "Just Spencer", it was simply a while. But on day 459, "Just Spencer" returned. He returned when Reid found himself at work, alone, after everyone else had gone home. He was working, he didn't know what on... he was mindlessly scribbling, filling in lines on necessary paperwork. He just filled in the right words in the right places. The bullpen had been empty for a few hours. Three hours, 38 minutes, 42 seconds... 43... 44... When the pen slipped from his fingers and clattered to the desk, startling him, he hadn't even realized he had lost his thoughts to the beckoning call of sleep. He didn't remember shutting his eyes.

_Sometimes, when I had put out my candle, my eyes would close so quickly that I had not even time to say, "I'm falling asleep." _

He remembered his mother reading these words to him, and the memory stirred and provoked a sudden longing within Spencer. He was angry with the pen, angry for waking him up. He hadn't slept in days, he hadn't been granted such a luxury.

He picked up the pen with his spindly fingers once more, becoming frustrated with the tremors running through him as he fought to grasp the writing utensil. A growl of frustration as he could not steady himself, and Spencer finally dropped the pen to the desk again with exasperation and a guttural noise rising from his throat, something of a cross between a gasp and a sob.

He wasn't even aware that he was crying until he felt the tears squeeze through dampened lashes and drip down the angles of his face. He didn't bother trying to control it, and he was silent as he cried... He simply picked up his completed paperwork, neatly deposited it in the drop-box, and slowly packed up his things, shifting his bag over his shoulder and heading out the door.

Once at home... or at least the dingy apartment he pretended was his home, Spencer took of his shoes (neatly arranging them next to the three other pairs perfectly lining the back of his closet), hung up his cardigan (Color coded. Obviously), and turned on his old-fashioned radio. Classical. Routine as always. Routine as always... until he calmly went to the kitchen, reached into his pantry, and rifled through the box of cereal for the prize inside. After retrieving the small vial (a back-up, just in case, that he had purchased 459 days earlier), he went to the bathroom and plucked up the sterile supplies from the middle drawer. He always kept them in the middle drawer. The middle drawer represented balance, which was exactly what he needed, and exactly what he got from the poison in the vial.

He shifted back onto the bed, up against the flat pillow against the wall, and set about preparing his relief. Still so calmly, oh, so calmly... there was a simple resignation, a resolve in the way he worked. He did not fret, he did not chastise himself for what he was about to do... in a way, it was just the way things were. Spencer didn't feel bad. Spencer didn't feel anything.

Needle guided to skin. Sharp breath inward. Sharp point breaking flesh.

Spencer released the plunger slightly, watched it move up as the blood let into the chamber, swirling and blossoming into a diluted, sick and twisted shade of pink that made Spencer shudder, then carefully edged the plunger forward again with the tip of his thumb.

Careful. Slowly.

The chamber was empty, and the mixture filled his veins. He felt it work its way through him, darting through his blood and warming his soul. The warmth spread through him, it started in his lips and ears, then it spread to his face. He felt it work down into his belly, swirling around like butterflies scattering at a stone thrown their way. It moved down his legs, into his arms, and finally fizzled out at the tips of his fingers and toes, then exploded into pleasure. His ears buzzed, his mind clouded, and his thoughts... stopped.

They just stopped. He finally laid to rest all his feelings of inadequacy.

He stretched out on the bed, and as he lay back, his eyes closed so quickly that he had not even time to say, _"I'm falling asleep." _


	2. Sleight of Hand

**A/N: Just a little humor while I work on a few other stories. **

**Sleight of Hand**

The hum of the jet was getting to them on their long flight, and JJ looked insanely bored. Reid studied her for a moment.

"Wanna see a magic trick?"

JJ glanced up as she heard Reid speak, then processed what he had said and smirked, looking down again. "Sure," she laughed.

Reid shuffled the cards with a flourish, then fans out the cards, holding them out for JJ. "Pick a card."

She laughs again. "Any card?"

Reid winks. "Any card."

She carefully studies the cards, then selects one towards the end of the deck, taking it, glancing at it, and eyeing Reid over the top of the card suspiciously. "Okay... now what?"

"Put it back in."

She does, and he shuffles the deck, then starts slapping cards down onto the table, glancing up at her and grinning. She raises her eyebrows, watching the cards.

He stops, and flips one over. "That's your card."

JJ sighs, smiling. "Nope."

Reid frowns. "That's supposed to be your card."

"But it's not."

Hotch glances over his newspaper at the two of them, and smirks, shaking his head and looking back down at his newspaper.

Reid glances towards Hotch, opens his mouth, then shuts it again, glancing back down at the cards. He furrows his brow. "What was your card?"

"7 of Diamonds."

"But this is the Ace of Clubs."

"Exactly. It's not my card."

Reid frowns again, then slouches slightly. "But it was supposed to be your card."

"You said that."

Morgan saunters by. "Can't always be right, Pretty Boy." He ruffles Reid's hair, and Reid shrinks away, wincing.

"But I'm always right," he pouts.

"Obviously not," Prentiss says, not even looking up from her book.

JJ smiles again, and pushes herself up from the table, handing Reid the cards. "Better luck next time, Spence." She walks away.

Reid frowns again. He mumbles quietly, to himself. "But that was supposed to be your card."


	3. Family

FAMILY

They just clicked. They were cut from the same cloth. Nerdy, socially awkward cloth. Garcia and Reid just clicked. So when Reid found himself alone at the P.D. on a case, somewhere far from home, and needing someone to talk to, he knew where to go.

"Gadget Queen of All Techy-Thingies, which switch do you want flipped?" Garcia chirped.

Reid cleared his throat. "Garcia?" His voice cracked. He winced.

He could hear Garcia's tone change over the phone. She immediately was thrust into Mama Bear mode, and her voice cooed quietly. "Reid? What's wrong?"

He cleared his throat again, this time trying to make himself sound a little bigger, a little stronger. He tried to make up a reason for calling her. "I just need... I need you to cross-reference that list we got earlier with deaths of husbands in the last five years."

"I already did that, Honey. Remember?"

Reid squeezed his eyes shut. "Right. Right."

"Reid?" she began again. "Is there something you want to talk about?"

He was quiet for a moment, then looked up at the ceiling as he willed himself not to cry. "Do you... do you remember that time I contracted Anthrax?"

"Of course I do, most frightening day of my life."

Reid nodded, though she couldn't see him, and smiled weakly, looking down. "I just wanted to say thank you, for what you did for me. For my mom."

Garcia was stunned into silence for a moment, and she didn't even realize she was crying until she felt the first tear slip down her cheek. She quickly reached up to wipe it, sniffling. "Oh, Reid, honey, that doesn't require thanks. I would do it for you all over again. Anything for my Junior G-Man, you know that, right?"

He smiled weakly again, sinking down into his desk chair, then glancing up as he saw the team begin to file in. "Yeah, I know."

"Don't forget that."

"I won't."

"Promise me."

"I won't." He looked up again, and saw Morgan heading his way. "Really quick, could you add to that a filter on foreclosed homes?"

"Certainly."

Morgan approached, and Reid spoke quickly into the phone. "Okay, thanks Garcia, I have to go." He hesitated, then spoke again. "Thank you," he added again, as an afterthought.

"Of course, Sweetheart."

He disconnected the call and glanced up at Morgan, clearing his throat and trying to regain his composure. Morgan raised an eyebrow. "All good, Pretty Boy?"

Reid became flustered, he fixed his tie as he spoke, then laced his fingers together. "Yeah, yeah, why wouldn't I be good?"

"You look a little weird."

Reid raised an eyebrow. "Thanks?"

"Anytime, kid." Morgan slapped Reid on the shoulder and then went on his way, glancing back towards Reid. He whipped out his phone and called Garcia.

"Oh Mighty Chocolate Thunder, I render unto you your lightning."

"Let me guess, Baby Girl, you're the lightning."

"All yours, Sugar."

He grinned, then glanced back at Reid. "You were just talking to Reid?"

She was quiet for a minute, and Morgan listened intently to the dead airwaves. "Yes?"

"Everything okay?"

"Should it not be?"

Morgan smiled softly. "That's not an answer, Baby Girl."

She chastised him over the phone, he could hear her grin. "Derek Morgan, you're being nosey."

He smiled again, then it faded. "If something's going on with Reid, and it's something important, I think I need to know about it."

"He's just fine. I think he's just having a hard day." Morgan heard this, then glanced back over at Reid, who was now hunched over the desk and scribbling notes down.

"You think that's it?"

"I'm sure that's it, Derek."

He glanced back at Reid once more, then smiled and looked down. "Alright, thanks, Baby Girl."

"Yours forever, Handsome."

They disconnected, and Morgan turned to look at Reid, who was, at that moment, staring up at Morgan with wide eyes. He blinked, saw Morgan looking at him, then quickly ducked down again, going back to his scribbling.

Morgan pulled up a chair next to Reid, and Reid glanced over awkwardly, tangling his fingers together. "C-can I help you?"

"Just checking on you, man. You need to talk?"

Reid didn't look at Morgan when he spoke, he just looked down at his papers. "No, no, I'm fine. Just fine, thank you."

Morgan considered this. "Listen, kid, I know you've been having a hard time. I just want to let you know I'm here for you, if you need anything."

Reid nodded into it, then glanced sideways at Morgan. "Thanks," he said in a voice so small he hardly recognized it as his own. "I just..." He looked away, biting a lip to keep it from quivering. "I miss my Mom," he said. Whispered.

Morgan's face fell. "Reid, we can give you the time off, if you need it."

Reid quickly shuffled the papers together on his desk, shaking his head vigorously. "No, no, we have work to do here. I need to stay here."

"Reid..." Morgan glanced up as Hotch walked by, and became silent. Once their boss was out of sight, he spoke again, this time his voice lower. "Reid, we all need to take personal time. You know that. This job... it does things to you. Sometimes...sometimes, a little family time is what you need."

Reid wanted to be quick to correct him. He didn't have a family, he had a mother who hardly recognized him.

Then, he looked up. He saw Morgan. He really saw him, the care in his eyes, the way his brow was slightly furrowed with concern. And then he thought about Garcia. Her kind, soft, loving voice.

He thought about JJ, the way she took him on like a little brother, the way she accepted him for his nerdy self, the way she put up with his antics.

Prentiss: he could just talk to her, about anything. She was always there to listen.

Hotch - his love masked by sternness, a barrier between Reid and trouble.

And Gideon - a father, one Reid never had.

Reid's face softened as he looked around the bullpen. He had a family, right here.

Right here in this room.

Morgan saw Reid's face change. "Reid?" A tear slipped down Reid's face. "Reid? We can get you the personal time."

Reid shook his head. "I'm okay. Really."

"What's going on?"

"Thank you."

"For what, buddy?" Reid swallowed, shaking his head and looking down. "Reid? Can I remind you of something?" Reid nodded, eyes closed. "You know you have a family here, right? We'll always be here for you."

Reid nodded, choking on a sob. "I know. I know. Thank you."

"You're welcome, bud."

Reid didn't forget about his mother, but it did ease some of the pain. And he was thankful, because for once in his life, he felt truly loved by a real family, one he could call his own.


End file.
